Much of the work I do deals with attachment, and what we learned in early childhood from our parents/caregivers about relationships.  Attachment refers to how we connect and relate with others, including our parents and caregivers, and our romantic partners as adults.

Attachment Style Questionnaire

Read the four types of attachment styles below. Find the one that best describes you, and then ask your partner to do the same.

1. Secure: “It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.”

2. Anxious: “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.”

3. Avoidant: “I am comfortable without close relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.”

4. Disorganized: “I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”

This attachment style questionnaire is adapted from K. Bartholomew, and L. Horowitz, “Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four Category Model.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 61 (1991): 226-44